In your room, the light is deemed naturally, as the sun fades away. You’re a sunlight person, that’s why you get scared when is getting darker, it’s just a reminiscent from your childhood. You hate that time of the day when the light is fading and the night starts slowly. For me it’s the worst feeling cause I feel I can’t control it, is one of those things in life which you have no power over. You can’t control this and you can’t control people.
You smoke one cigarette and you try to avoid your thoughts, but as a complot, when dark comes over brings together with it the silence, another enemy. You can’t escape your thoughts because you just can’t escape you. We talk about heaven and hell, but let me tell you, hell is within you. Don’t look outside the window for it, look deep down into yourself. Everything you did wrong won’t matter that much during the daytime when you fill your time and mind with agitation and noise. But every bad decision you ever took would matter 10 times more when you’re in the dark, alone with yourself.
Silence is killing me. I bet you heard this before. It applies to everyone, that’s why we run away to escape ourselves. Some run away into other lands, other places, filling their silence with new views and experiences. Others change people, using the new ones as a way of distracting their mind off. Other fill their silence with unorthodox activities, as long as they fill the emptiness from their soul and empty the guiltiness from their mind. Can’t blame any of them. I am a person which runs away when things aren’t in place. That’s my weakness and that’s exactly what I must master in future. But for the moment it’s the only escape, easy way to silence my mind.
You try to smoke that cigarette, thinking how you fucked it up and how you could have done it right. When you see that you had so many opportunities of making the best selection, the best choice, that’s when it becomes suffocating. From all you could have done right, it seems like you insisted on choosing wrong. The pain you feel is real and it grows stronger inside of you as there’s no painkiller for it. It’s even worst when you don’t have with whom to share it. You don’t need to start explaining all this to someone, you just need someone to see it and understand it. Only because they’ve been there and they’ll soon be in your position again. You put blame on you, and then you find yourself excuses. And then you put again blame on you. And then you get tired and irritated by this circle, and you try to shut down the silence. Too bad you can get rid of annoying people but you can’t get rid of yourself. You’re having a battle between you and the other you, both having consistent proofs of the good and bad things you’ve done.
Reaching the edge of your patience and tired of overthinking you say to yourself you’ll make it better. Starting from tomorrow.
See, that’s why I love early mornings, with sun and light. Gives me the chance to shut my mind and work on getting things done right before the night sets in, so I don’t have to deal with my demons alone.
But until the sunrise, try to smoke your cigarette. Let me know if you managed to shut your mind.